Secure Relating: Holding Your Own in an Insecure World

"This is the book to hand not just to your clients, but also to friends and family members, along with anyone who's interested in improving their relationships. Which is to say: everyone!" —Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk To Someone and co-host of the Dear Therapists podcast

Secure Relating offers a refreshing and innovative approach to understanding and improving relationships in today's increasingly polarized world. Drawing on over thirty years of professional clinical experience, authors Ann Kelley, PhD and Sue Marriott, LCSW, CGP integrate modern attachment theory, relational neuroscience, and depth psychology into practical tools for deepening self-awareness, achieving better emotional regulation, and navigating closeness with strength in even the most challenging relationships.

Instead of the popular broad attachment categorizations like anxious or avoidant attachment, Secure Relating presents a nuanced understanding of attachment and interpersonal defensive patterns, allowing readers to delve into the complexities of their own experience and apply the specific skills they need.

Kelley and Marriott make complex concepts accessible and relatable, emphasizing the realistic capacity for neural change and the hopeful path toward earning security. They provide contemporary concepts and interactive tools such as the Modern Attachment Regulation Spectrum, a new framework that helps readers identify their unconscious defensive patterns, update and revise their personal narratives, and cultivate a secure state of mind amid chaos and adversity.

Secure Relating delivers hope, connection, and empowerment amidst the many barriers to emotional closeness and provocations towards self-protection by offering a comprehensive guide to the psychology of relationships, transforming them into more secure and satisfying bonds.

This paradigm-shifting book provides an innovative framework for connection:

• Modern Attachment Theory: Go beyond simplistic labels. Discover a nuanced spectrum of attachment that reflects the true complexity of your experiences and relationships.
• Relational Neuroscience: Learn how your brain and nervous system are wired for connection and how you can literally rewire old patterns through new, secure relational experiences.
• Defensive Patterns: Identify your unconscious reactions to conflict and closeness using practical tools like the Modern Attachment Regulation Spectrum (MARS).
• Co-Regulation: Understand the powerful, often unconscious ways you and your partner impact each other’s nervous systems, and learn to build a foundation of mutual support and safety.