When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal with Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You

I was disappointed with this book --it was much more simplistic than what I was looking for. It seemed to carry a theme throughout: if your friend has problems, such as depression, unresolved childhood issues, etc., and they affect the friendship, it is best to end the friendship unless they go for therapy. The author advocates making and keeping friendships that are described as fairly ideal. That sounds great to me, but it just did not seem very realistic, but rather black and white. I found one story in the book particularly unsettling. The author tells of one of her own college friendships. Ms. Yager says that her friend, Cindy, told her that she had tried to kill herself. Ms. Yager speculates on the upbringing of her friend and then says that at the time, she felt betrayed by the suicide attempt of her friend - quote: as if it were a slap in the face of our friendship. Ms. Yager says, quote: Looking back, my thinking, however selfish and confused at the time, may not be all that atypical. My first response was to wonder how much she cared about me as a friend if she was willing to cause me to suffer, as I would have if she had succeeded. The author goes on to say that the friendship fell apart over the next year or two, and that she knew it was not due to the fact that they lived in different cities, as she had other friendships like that that worked. She said the main reason was that the mental illness of her friend scared her. The author says that she has thought from time to time of trying to find Cindy to see if she got help and her life turned out okay -- but that she never has, and that the reason she never has is because she has so many positive, healthy friendships now, and therefore she takes quote: the coward way out - and does nothing. What I thought was helpful about this story was that there are readers who might relate to how scary it is to learn that a friend is suicidal, and how problematic it can be. But mostly I found some things about the story, as told, a little disturbing. The author is a PhD Sociologist now -- not a layman about mental health issues. I am wondering why a professional is still - in her own words, a coward - about this incident. I also noticed that the author calls the many other friendship incidents in the book betrayals, but when she relates her own story, she describes her behavior toward her friend as merely insensitive and says that she did what was probably typical. In a great many of the other stories, the author analyzes what childhood problems may have led to the betraying actions in the friendships, but in her own story, she just leaves it at quote: I wonder what happened to Cindy? I am not suggesting that the author must analyze her own reaction in this example from her life, but it strikes me as odd given the fact that she does so in so many of the other stories. I also wonder why the author does not end her story about her suicidal friend by suggesting to readers how serious it is when a friend talks of suicide, and what basic things to do when that happens, without becoming enmeshed yourself - the author is a PhD Sociologist. I found the book to be encouraging and validating in the message it conveys of not letting destructive friendships go on and on and bring undue unhappiness and problems into your life, but it was too black and white for me, with too little insight into navigating through the problems. To me, the author seems to be justifying her own unintentional betrayal of her friend, and that really gives me pause.

Friendship can hurt. I had a friend that wouldn't talk to me anf she still does it to me. If you have a friend that is mean to you tell them to back off. If they say no don't talk to them for a few days. If she/he comes over to you and started being nice and saying there sorry say it ok lets start. This hole day over again. Thst whwt you should do.