Just Talking a Little Shit

"You are socially retarded." -Mrs. Mitchell, My High School Biology Teacher When I Tried to Eat Seven Pounds of Pudding For Lunch and Threw Up

"You are a textbook alcoholic" -Wolf Pup, a murderous, schizophrenic, anarchist, punk rock hobo, who was my cellmate in prison and taught me how to play 500 Rummy

"You even smile like a prick." -My First Wife About Me Smirking in Our Wedding Photo

"You are a narcissistic asshole." -My Second Wife During Marriage Counseling

"If You Were My Child's Guidance Counselor, I'd Be Terrified." -Charlottle Golden, My Old Principal When I Was a High School Guidance Counselor

"Pointless, Self-indulgent, Narcissistic, and Shallow. A real celebrity couldn't have written a better memoir " What the New York Times or someone would say if they read and reviewed my book.

"This is the most important book since the Bible or 50 Shades of Grey. This book will change your life. If you don't believe me, my neighbor didn't read it and he's still a fat fuck who can't ever mind his own business. My cousin from New Jersey didn't read it either and he is still a junkie. Chuck Norris didn't read it and now he's dead. Kobe Bryant Dead didn't read it either, neither did Charlie Kirk. If you don't want to end up dead like Chuck Norris, Kobey or Charlie Kirk or on heroin like my cousin Tony, then I suggest you must read this book! " -Polkanowski

I used to do standup comedy, but being a comic is alot of work, so I just decided to write my standup special instead. I would have been a very successful comedian if people could just come to my living room and I could tell jokes during ads on YouTube. All that travel and the downtime sucked ass. Plus, I started when I had kids. I started with Shane Gillis (shameless name drop) in Harrisburg. Had I known he would have been in the Guiness Book of World records for biggest crowd at a standup gig and become the greatest comedian of all time, I'd have stuck with it, but hindsight is 20/20 when it comes to sports betting, marriage, and standup comedy careers.

Netflix Comedy Special: The Book chronicles failed writer and comedian, Michael Polkanowski's legendary battles with addiction, bosses, teachers, cable companies, neighbors, his children, cashiers, telemarketers, his ex-wife, her Filipino boyfriend, doctors, and pretty much anyone else to answer the existential question that burns inside all of us, "Am I the asshole or is it everyone else?"

Michael J. Polkanowksi grew up in an abusive home. All through his childhood, his sadistic and overbearing parents tortured him by forcing him to perform all sorts of unthinkable acts such as brushing his teeth and doing his homework. By the time he was ten years old he had already become severely addicted to Nintendo. He would spend hours upon hours in his bedroom playing games such as Mike Tyson's Punchout, The Legend of Zelda, and even the dumb ones like Paperboy. He used this as an escape from the suffering he endured at the hands of his sadistic parents.

Without any real skills, talent or drive, Polkanowski knew that if he wanted to be rich and famous, he would have to write a memoir, just like every other celebrity. He would have to write a really self-righteous memoir where he complains about his hard life and then brags about how he overcame it. That would be his only way out of the insufferable torture of having hardly any followers on social media.

First, he had to prove to himself and the rest of the world that he was not just lazy, and he was an "overcomer," made stronger by all the bullshit he had endured at the hands of not only his parents, but other family members, friends, co-workers, teachers, wives, ex-wives, bosses, neighbors, and even his own children. However, the truth was more complicated.

After he graduated from college, Michael's mom and dad kept breaking his balls about smoking too much pot and finding a fucking job already. If only it were that easy. Eventually his parents would kick him out of their house and even force him to pay for his own car insurance when he was just a young, scared, 26-years-old little boy. Michael learns to confront his own past filled with a marijuana stash he hid in his sock drawer, phone calls from unknown numbers, and dozens of lost car keys and credit cards left at bars when he was drunk. All of which led to the unbecoming desperation of a 40-year-old man forced to a reckoning with his own identity.

Although Michael would go on to graduate from college and become a high school guidance counselor, he found that sweet-ass summer vacations and a strong teacher's union didn't necessarily mean safety from the judgment, the patriarchy or American meritocracy. Both a chronicle of the American Dream and an indictment of it, this searing celebrity memoir exposes the price we pay for the promise of a bright future. Michael J. Polkanowski's story challenges our ideas of what it means to overcome, and live life on our own terms, even if those terms mean that you're kind of a asshole.